There are so many ways that self compassion can be restorative at the barn and in other aspects of life. How many of you can relate to moments where things don’t go as planned, or when you say or do something that you wish you could reverse the split second after it happens? For those who tend to be “people pleasers”, or even when you are with the few close people whose opinion really matters, it can be hard to cope when you aren’t meeting certain expectations. Whose expectations are they, really? Sometimes people have been raised by and/or meet others later on in life who possess standards of perfection that one feels obliged to meet in order to feel worthy or good enough. Compromising one’s identity becomes acceptable, as long as one receives that gold stamp of approval. More of the time though, people tend to set these impossibly high standards for themselves. In those situations, we want to prove something to those around us, we have to be better, do better, act better, without taking a moment to stop and appreciate just how far we’ve come or who we are right now. Imagine how it might feel to just slow things down, take a deep breath, and appreciate who you are right this instant. Why would this even matter, and is this something your horses notice too?
Wanting to feel loved or valued is an innate human need. Most people want their horses to love them, to need them and to show them that they count. The danger with this is projecting such needs onto others, including the herd, and beating oneself up when failing to meet the unreasonably high bar set as horse owners and equestrians. Projecting refers to times when you assume that other people or your horses feel a certain way, when often those emotions exist within you and not in objective reality. An example would be assuming your horse is sad you are leaving for work out of town next weekend because you are sad leaving him behind. Or thinking that your horse thinks you are a bad rider, when you lope on the wrong lead or post on the wrong diagonal, or anything else. Rather than assuming or wishing ourselves to be different, settling into who we are while staying kind is practising self-compassion. Self-compassion was defined earlier this week in the reprint from Dr. Kristin Neff’s website; It seems to link closely to times when we are feeling at our worst, vulnerable, embarrassed or ashamed. Here is a recent example from Shreyasi about this type of situation.
There are so many unpredictable moments working with horses. Certainly, things become more predictable the more I understand horse behaviours. Nothing is perfect, though. An example occurred last week when we were in a groundwork lesson with our trainer, Katelyn. We’d taken the yearlings out for some practice, and the last time we’d worked with them was about six weeks ago! We’d spent most of our time previously working with our girls who attended the show at the end of July.
I spent the session with Grace, one of our gypsy cob yearlings. At one point, she was walking around me in a circle while I used the lead rope to direct her. In a moment of distraction, she began trotting friskily. Rather than responding right away, I stood there entranced by her movements. The result? Her hooves came straight up in the air and her hind legs made contact with my hand holding the lead rope. I was so embarrassed. Fortunately, it didn’t sting and there was no damage done, other than to my ego. I grabbed the lead rope and kept going. I’ve done months of practice sessions with various horses in our herd. I couldn’t believe this had happened.
I instantaneously entered a cycle of self-doubt and frustration with how I’d let this happen during such a simple exercise and, as I re-imagined the incident over the next few days, this feeling of shame deepened. If I couldn’t handle working with a playful filly, what chance did I have working with other experienced horses in our herd? I was a terrible horsewoman and there was no chance of improvement. Just as during other times in my day, I practised self-compassion to help me through this moment. Yes, there was shame and embarrassment. Yes, I was self-critical and wished that I was a more competent person around horses. However, I also recognized that I’d been causing my own misery here. How would Dr. Neff’s steps in self-compassion work in this example?
Dr. Neff speaks of self-compassion as being no different than having compassion for others. When we experience moments of shame or disappointment in ourselves, we extend to ourselves the same caring and support that we’d provide other people. When I practise self-compassion here, I accept that the incident occurred, that I did not pay attention or respond skilfully when she showed me early signs of escalating energy, and placed myself in harm’s way. Staying in this awareness, even though it feels uncomfortable, and giving myself permission to make a mistake and to learn from it, is part of practising self-compassion. Remembering that no one, especially myself, needs to be perfect, is also part of the learning. It is hard to show myself kindness and to remember that learning doesn’t require me to punish myself. However, this is also part of the process of learning self-compassion.
After practising self-compassion in this way, there is a peace and lessening of the intense embarrassment. My trust in my ability to better things is growing. This an example of how self-compassion can be healing.
This is a reflection on how the Mindful Attitudes can be directly applied to time with horses. We hope that it inspires you to reflect on moments when you’ve felt silly or annoyed with yourself, and to practise self-compassion to examine whether it impacts your learning and your emotional well-being through those moments that inevitably arise when we work with the complex sentient beings that horses are.
